Ewelina Dalka – Mom Lifestyle Blog

“I would pray a car would hit me so I would not have to live like this anymore”

“He saved my life and I thank God for him every day“

This is a hard one to write. Mostly because it involves my past and as much as I have already forgotten about it, it still plays a huge impact on my life today.

I was young but that is not an excuse. I was stupid for letting it go on for so long but that is not an excuse. I no longer made excuses for him.

I was not open about this for a long time, only because I knew the truth and that is all that mattered to me. I got out. I got out alive.

I spent six years with someone who made me feel worthless almost every single day. I was so happy to have a “polish” boyfriend, it was the “right” thing to do, right? Have my dream wedding in Poland, it all seemed so perfect. It did seem perfect, to everyone watching. But I lived in hell. I won’t sit here and say there were no good moments, because there were, and those small but good moments, I held on to for so long thinking “Maybe he will change” but let me tell you, they never change.

We broke up twice, I came back to him, maybe now he will be different, we got engaged, maybe now he will be different, we got married, now he HAS to be different, right? No. Not even close, it got worse as the days went on.

The first time we broke up, was after a trip we went on. I’ll spare you the details as to why we got into a fight, but, I was physically abused. Then, I was thrown across the room, onto a chair in our hotel room. I woke up with bruises all over both arms. You think that would be enough to leave, and I tried, but I went back.

We bought a house, got engaged, we were the perfect couple for people watching. But if you were my friend, I never saw you. I was not allowed to. I would get in “trouble” every time I would go somewhere alone with a friend. The whole time I was out, I would be on my phone texting him and arguing or explaining myself. On Sundays, he worked, I was home, if he did not come home to a clean and spotless house, I’d get yelled at or told I did not do anything. Every time we got any sort of money together, it went straight to his bank account, only.

The part that hurts me the most is I was not allowed to see my mom. My mom is my best friend. My mom went through awful depression and ended up in the hospital, she would have panic attacks randomly. If my dad called me and told me that something is wrong with my mom, he would tell me I could not go see her because she is “just making it up” or say “here we go again”

My dad re-did almost our entire house on his own. If they were supposed to come at 8am, and showed up at 7:55, he would get mad. Later on, my parents told me if they were 5 minutes early, they would wait at the gas station a block away so he would not be mad when they walked in.

I wish I could write out every bad name he ever called me but that would take up too much time. A piece of sh*t was a common word. If he got me flowers or gifts and I did not post on social media right away, he would get mad. At our wedding, I was dancing with my Godfather, he got mad and said “You look like you’re having more fun with him than me” and before than, when we first saw each other at the wedding, he said “You are not even going to tell me that I look good?” I laugh about it now because it’s absolutely ridiculous but dang it is so sad when I look back at what I put up with.

Every lunch we went to, I would have to thank him over and over and over again, for everything. Everything. God forbid me even look at or talk to another male. I had people I worked with who witnessed our arguments and the name calling, it was embarrassing.

Again, these are all just small examples. I could sit here and write for days but you get the idea.

I hated myself, I hated life, I suffered, and still do from major anxiety and depression still haunts me. I would go to bed and pray that I would not wake up in the morning. I would be driving and hope a car would hit me so I would not have to live like this anymore. I feel sick writing this right now. I wanted him to feel like what life would be like without me.

Let’s talk about the day I left. The best day of my life.

We were in one of our many arguments and for a few days, I slept alone in bed and he slept on the couch. One day he came to bed, took all of the covers off of me, so I went to sleep on the couch. The next day, I took Tiger and went to visit my mom after work. It was so nice to spend the day with her finally, but I did not tell her anything, she had no idea about almost anything that was going on. She felt it, but she did not want to interfere with my life because I said I was happy. I got home late that day and I went back to the couch. I decided to write to my mom. I told her everything via messenger. We stayed up until about 3AM talking, I told her the whole truth. She did not judge me, she just wanted me to come home.

In the morning, he came downstairs, I heard him making a protein shake, I knew he was going to the gym. He left. I looked at my dog, Tiger, and said “Okay Tiger, we got about an hour to an hour and a half to pack up as much as we can and get the hell out of here” I was finally ready and so strong, I knew I was finally done. Finally.

I went to my parents house, and going into my old room, with nothing in it, I had a small bag of clothes to get me through the week at work, and that’s it. I was never happier. I felt peace. I felt like so much weight was lifted off my shoulder. I was no longer trapped. My mom tells me to this day that she is just so thankful that I made it back home alive.

I left with nothing, except debt. Other than my personal belongings, he did not allow me to take anything. My parents paid for all of the furniture in our house, he kept it all. ALL. I asked to take my moms china glasses, he said no. Literally nothing else. And I think about it to this day, I could get new couches, new glasses, new everything, all of the material things, that won’t bring me happiness. He had it all, he kept everything, but I am sure coming home to an empty house that’s fully furnished and has everything he needs, does not make him happy.

I filed for divorce, I paid for the entire divorce myself. I just needed to be free. I did not care about anything else.

Other than my close friends, I did not people any details at first, I let everyone know not to pick sides, I did not want any of that. I wanted everyone to learn for themselves how he really is, and most people did. I know what the truth was, no matter what he said or didn’t say. I had nothing to prove.

& then this brings me to Stephen. He is the reason I am still here today.

I knew him for a while because he would be a patient at my old job, at the chiropractor. He was friends with one of my co-workers. I did not think anything of it, at all.

I am actually not even sure how we got to where we did, but one day we talked about Fat Tuesday and I told him that is an American thing and the real day is “Tlusty Czwartek” and he told me how he was doing to his grandmas so he would not make it to his normal Tuesday appt but he would still send me something. I did not understand what that meant but come Tuesday, flowers show up at the office. & that’s where our love story began, hehe! 

He later on told me that when he first saw me he said “That is going to be my future wife” and look at where we are now. The beginning of our relationship was not easy by any means, we had a lot of hurdles to jump through on our own, including bad people in his life, unnecessary drama, and mostly my past. He had to, and still deals with it.

I would ask him permission to go out with a friend, “Is that ok?” and he would be like “Why are you asking me? You do not have to ask” and I would think it’s strange that I could actually go out and enjoy time with my friends and not worry about arguing with someone or that he would be mad at me. It was so strange, something that should be normal, was so weird to me. 

The first time my mom gave Stephen a hug, she said you know Ewelina, we don’t speak the same language, but I can feel he is a good person. 

He complimented me. Not that I needed compliments, but he made me feel so good, confident, beautiful, MORE THAN ENOUGH. That was weird to me. If he paid for dinner, I’d say thank you multiple times, and he would tell me to stop thanking him so many times, it’s ok and normal for him to pay for dinner. That was weird to me. 

Stephen has a heart of gold. The first year we were together, I think we had about 4-5 weddings to go to, mostly polish ones, and let me tell you, he was not used to them at allllll! And he did amazing, he did it for me. He was introduced to my friends (who I also spent a lot of time apologizing to, because I was not allowed to have friends and lost almost all of them) and they all accepted him with open arms. I think they knew and felt he was a good person. 

Most importantly. and still to this day, I am unapolegetically myself. He never tried to change me. He loved me for who I was, and still does. All of me, all of my imperfections, my OCD, my buying 17 planners in a year, all of me. The good and bad. He is my best friend. My biggest cheerleader. He honestly goes out of his way to make me happy. Every single day. 

We are creating the best life together, we got another dog, got engaged, married, bought a house, and had two absolutely beautiful and perfect girls. We are not perfect, but we are perfect for each other. We are a team. 

Not a perfect life by any means, because now I make sure to never pretend like my life is perfect anymore. I share my truth. I am finally ready to share my truth. I am an open book. Of course not every detail is mentioned in here, so if you ever need to ask me anything, ask me.

& this story is one of the many reasons why I share as much as I share. You’re not alone. I want you to know you’re not alone. Reach out, talk to me, whatever you need, you are not alone. I felt alone for so long. I felt worthless for so long. I never want anyone else to feel this way. 

I went from such a happy kid, a happy teenager, and I let one person take all of that happiness away from me, and it was hard as hell to get her back.

I thank God every single day for allowing me to still be here. I am grateful every single day for the life I have. I try to be a better person everyday. I am just so thankful to be alive.

XOXO